Final Case: The X-Files and Me

CW: References to suicide and parental death

When I finished my last review, I promised myself I'd talk a little about the series as a whole. But I'd been working on this piece for a few weeks already, and I kept stopping and starting over. I dunno how to talk about this show as a whole, because there's just too much to actually address, too much to try and put together into a coherent thesis. So instead, I want to talk about The X-Files and me.

When I was 23 years old, my mother died of leukemia and I, I think pretty understandably, didn't take it well. I was in a pretty fragile place already; I'd dropped out of college to help take care of her, I'd recently tried to come out as trans to a friend and been so soundly rejected that I attempted suicide. I was inconsistently employed and didn't see any route to becoming more financially stable. So by the time she actually passed I was pretty wrecked. And in a lot of ways, my media diet completely shrank.

I still went to see movies in theaters, because I could shut myself off from everything I was feeling and just focus on the movie. But media at home was close to nonexistent. I couldn't focus on reading, I could barely play video games, and watching sitcoms was too intensely at odds with how I felt emotionally.

All I could do was watch The X-Files.

I must have watched the first 7 seasons a half dozen times between October 2013 and June 2014. It was during that time that the show changed from being my favorite show to being the show that's tattooed on my brain. And while I would remain depressed and quasi-suicidal for years to come (oddly enough around the time I finally did come out as trans was when it started getting better), The X-Files helped me get through those first few months. It's not an exaggeration to say that the series saved my life.

When I say The X-Files is my favorite show, that always comes with questions. Do I think it's the best show, a perfect show, a show beyond criticism? No, obviously not, and I don't really like debating the Best, because it's subjective. What I mean, is that I like it the most, that it's the show that's closest to my heart, that means the most to me.

I admit, I was worried when I started this project that my love for the show would fade across 7 years of reviews, that I would come to see too many of the cracks or just get tired of it. But I found the opposite is true.

The X-Files is an often inconsistent show. It has many episodes that are among the best TV you'll ever see. It has a handful that are among the worst. And it has many more that are just okay. But the thing I discovered is that, I love all of it. From Season 1 to Season 11, from Beyond the Sea to My Struggle III, I love this show. I love it when its stupid and I love it when it's brilliant. I love The X-Files.

I still don't know what, if anything, I plan to do as a writing project next (I have a writing project on some queer horror films for October, but that's one month of writing). But  do know one other thing; I haven't watched the early parts of The X-Files in years. I used to do yearly (or nearly yearly) rewatches, but I didn't want watching other parts of the show to bias my opinions of the later years, so I ceased rewatching it until I finished the entire project.

So I think the first thing I'm going to do is watch The X-Files.