Case 11, File 02: This

AKA: Love Has Taken Its Toll On Me

It's very hard to get a large fanbase on the same page, but I think it's pretty universally agreed in the X-Files fandom that the Lone Gunmen got a raw deal. Shuffled off to a spin-off the network never really knew what to do with before being dragged sheepishly back to the main show, just in time to get killed off in what is widely considered one of the worst episodes of the show. If I were creating a sequel season to The X-Files, one of my top priorities would be to try and give them a better ending.

Our episode kicks off with Mulder and Scully watching TV on the couch together asleep (they really are adults) when they get a video call from Langly. Given that he's been dead for 17 years at the point this episode starts, they think that's a bit weird. But it doesn't end up mattering as like 30 seconds later, a hit team shows up and tries to kill them. And gets shot by them, two of them dying and one getting away.

They've barely had a chance to call the FBI before some dudes in military trucks show up, demanding they surrender. Skinner tells them he can't help them when they call and the military guys, who it turns out are Russian, take them captive. They find Mulder's phone and are about to kill them, but our heroes escape into the woods...where they meet Skinner (don't ask how he knew where to find them), who gives them some cash, a car and tells them the dudes are from a Russia controlled PMC. And also that he can't help anymore since they're working for the US government.

Since they got a message from Langly, they decide to go check out his grave, and find that his birthdate is wrong, and after some back and forth involving the question of which president died on the day each of the Lone Gunmen were born, they solve a riddle that brings them to Deep Throat's gravestone... where there's a QR code medallion. Just go with it. Also the surviving assassin shows up and gets immediately bodied by Mulder and they steal his gun. He is Very Bad at his job. Oh and back at the house, the PMCs try to break into Mulder's phone, but he has a kill switch.

Give the X-Files this, it still knows what the fanbase wants to see.

They scan the QR code at an internet cafe and get a picture of the Titanpointe building (look it up, it's depressing) and Mulder realizes that he has an X-File on it...but they can't head back to the office cause the PMCs will be waiting for them there. So they ask Skinner, and after hearing him whine about how complicated it is to be a spook in 2018, he agrees. But, the files have been scrubbed of not only the Titanpointe building but also Langly. But, after a bit of digging into Frohike's file, they find directions to seek some random professor.

They find her, and she tells them that she and Langly had their brains scanned to be uploaded into a simulation after they died, and that Langly must be breaking free to try and contact them. After giving them a way to contact him, she's shot when that damn 3rd assassin shows up and dies. They kill that third assassin and use the professor's phone to talk to Langly. He tells them that he's in the simulation with a bunch of famous dudes, and that it's paradise, but also it sucks and they hate it.

So Mulder and Scully infiltrate the Titanpointe building to shut down the server with the simulation and...Mulder immediately gets captured. Yeah, he's not good at his job either. Turns out the lady from the second conspiracy (Erika Price is her name) and leaving earth via their brains being uploaded is a big part of their colonize space plan. She offers Mulder a spot, but he tricks her and Scully shuts down the server. But they escape with all their stuff before the FBI can show up to arrest them. And then, with one last call from Langly telling them they had a backup server, the episode ends.

I honestly have no idea what this episode is supposed to accomplish. It seems like mostly a hodgepodge of various themes and ideas, built around a storyline of Mulder and Scully uncovering a mini-conspiracy and maybe a quick check in with the new conspiracy (because they need to start building them up, they are Pressed For Time). Any one of them could, if properly built up, could support the episode, but mixed all together, they wind up adding up to a whole lot of nothing at all.

Who the FUCK is that guy over Langly's shoulder? You seeing this?

I tell you what though, if one of the points of this episode was to give the Lone Gunmen in general or Langly in specific a better sendoff, they couldn't have blown it worse. They openly say that no one saw the Lone Gunmen's bodies after their deaths, leaving the door wide open for them to just bring them back; Yes it would be an obvious bullshit retcon, but I don't care, their deaths were random and not at all cathartic or emotionally engaging. If there was anything in the entire series I, and likely massive other chunks of the fanbase, would be fine with them retconning, the Lone Gunmen's end would be top of the list.

They don't do that. And while I wish I could admire them for sticking to their guns, but they just did a much worse, much less interesting retcon. Deciding that Langly had his brain scanned back in the...90s? Is hypothetically fine, and deciding that means he's uploaded to a weird reality is decent (There are episodes of both The X-Files and The Lone Gunmen about people's brains being uploaded to weird realities, so the tech exists in the world) and it's a good driving motivation for the plot. But the ending undercuts that, just deciding "Oh they had a backup and he's still trapped" isn't just mean, it's lame and it makes the whole thing feel pointless.

Honestly, a lot of the episode feels kinda pointless, or maybe just setup for future stuff they'll get to later this season. Skinner spends like 2 scenes talking about how the world of spying has completely changed in modern times, but outside of him talking about it, it all just kind of gets left on the table. And no, the fact that we get a lot of talk about the PMC being Russian doesn't count as payoff, nor does the talk about how the President is sending them. I hate Trump too guys, but I didn't need The X-Files to go after him, I honestly prefer it ignore current events.

The new conspiracy stuff...I'm not gonna lie, I find the whole thing exceptionally tedious. I like Barbara Hershey and I don't hate the idea of a new faction, but it's just so tired at this point. Them wanting to colonize space and...upload their brains to a simulation doesn't make them interesting and the methods of making them more interesting (making them more complex characters, show us how their plans differ from the main conspiracy) haven't kicked in yet. I get why they keep returning to the well of their original villains if they're just unwilling or unable to write engaging new ones.

"Okay, I can do this, I've seen 2001."

The death of the Lone Gunmen didn't rankle just because it was the deaths of some beloved characters. It rankled because it felt entirely unmotivated by the story or theme. It felt like the three of them victims of a show that was in its closing hours and wanted to just tie up every loose end it had. The opportunity to make that rankle a little less, to take back a poor decision made in haste, is an opportunity that could make the entire revival series more worth it, and I'm not sure if I can forgive this episode for passing that opportunity by.

Case Notes:

• I gotta admit, I like Mulder and Scully asleep on the couch together.
• That picture of the Lone Gunmen was absolutely not there before this episode, stop lying X-Files.
• There's something kinda amusingly pathetic about a hit squad using a wood panel van.
• The shootout ain't bad, but I still don't totally like Mulder and Scully doing full on ninja shit like Scully's floor slide to gun grab to table flip. I dunno, it doesn't really fit them.
• I like Mulder hiding his cellphone in the oven to avoid it being taken as evidence.
• Who is the 4th person in the Lone Gunmen photo? Is it Mulder? Jimmy? It looks like a ghost from a J-Horror film.
• The fact that the Lone Gunmen's bodies were incinerated and no one saw them is a perfect opportunity to just retcon their deaths. Just do it X-Files no one will mind.
• How'd the one dude get upstairs?
• "The Americans would have been fine losing the Cold War if only they could have made a little money off it" is a pretty solid burn, but I think we're a bit past using Soviets as bad guys in 2018.
• Okay, not gonna lie, I love Mulder and Scully just running handcuffed together. That's being In Synch.
• Mulder has a kill switch on his phone, I like it.
• All of the Lone Gunmen were born on days that Presidents died, which is one of those ideas that's so cheesy and silly that I love it.
• Mulder gets to visit Deep Throat's grave because of Langly's weird ass puzzle thing.
• Mulder throws the assassin headfirst into a gravestone, cause if they get to question him, the episode will be over too quickly.
• The Titanpointe building, as I implied  is a real place and it was in fact used for mass surveillance, which is deeply distressing. It was also a major influence on Control, which is probably my favorite video game of all time, so that's something.
• Skinner's rant about all the different security agencies would work better if the series was more about spy stuff.
• I like the idea that the X-Files were sent out to a private contractor, there's depth there, even if the joke about Trump not liking the FBI is kinda lame.
• Hiding info in Frohike's file, under "Spank Bank" is decently funny.
• The assassin shoots the scientist lady instead of Mulder or Scully, who have training and are armed. He is extremely bad at his job.
• I like Scully freaking out when the guy approaches, and Mulder kinda flirting with her. Good character beat.
• They just rip the "You're a simulation" band-aid right off huh?
• I like Langly's description of the simulation heaven, especially "The Patriots never win" punchline, even though I don't watch or care about football. I also like Langly's description of why it has to be destroyed, it's a very strong character moment.
• I like Mulder just letting Scully jump over the stairs and bolt, while he holds them off.
• The lady from the 2nd Syndicate just showing up to explain what's going on is a little convenient.
• "You could not use your phone (to avoid being uploaded into the simulation)" is a pretty quick lesson on manufactured consent.
• "Why do you operate so well with your hands behind your back?" "As if you didn't know." Mulder and Scully have done bondage and Scully is the dom, confirmed.
• I like Mulder and Scully having casual post fight dialogue, but it seems a little too convenient they stripped the building THAT fast.
• As always, these reviews are supported by my Patreon. Check it out so I can afford to have my brain uploaded to a space station.

Audio Observations:

Several scenes in the episode, including the opening gunfight, are set to California Sun by The Ramones, and Langly even name drops it as an example of how the simulation is paradise. I don't really dig the Ramones as much as some people, but it's a good tune.