Case 10, File 03: Mulder and Scully Meet the Were-Monster

AKA: Okay The Episode Title Is Already Too Close To An AKA Title I'd Use

Is this a better DVD menu shot? Let me know in the comments

In order for a writer on a tv show to become a household name, they usually have to be a constant presence in the credits. Darin Morgan is therefore a bit of an anomaly among TV show writers. Most X-Files fans know his name, despite only writing 4 episodes on the original run (and punching up the dialogue on a 5th). Still, his episodes were so popular, so critically acclaimed and so frequently imitated, that the entire fanbase basically knows his name. So when it was announced that he was returning to pen an episode for the revival season, his first episode written since season 3 20 years ago, people were hyped.

Our episode opens with a couple of stoners out in the woods huffing paint, when they come across two guys scuffling with a...lizard person? Anyway, one of them, an animal control guy named Pasha, and the other one is dead with his throat ripped out. Despite the fact that Mulder is moping around the X-Files' office, complaining about how modern technology has ruined the search for the supernatural, by proving it doesn't exist, they get called in, Mulder being peevish all the while, even after they find a bunch more people dead, with their throats bitten out.

That night however a woman is charged by the monster and Mulder and Scully are called in. They search around the nearby field, find another body, and eventually run across Pasha again. Mulder and Pasha are charged by the monster, while Mulder tries to take pictures of it on his cellphone badly, but neither of them are harmed. Scully and Mulder chase the monster but find only a British dude in a porta-potty.

But the episode can barely even pretend he's not the real monster, and that night at the hotel, Mulder hears the hotel manager screaming. After a brief investigation he discovers the manager has a spy hallway behind the rooms he used to spy on the rooms. And while spying, he saw the British dude, who is staying in the hotel, transform into the lizard monster and then running out. But they do have some clues from the room they can use to track him down.

"Hey, how do we look this healthy when we've done nothing but get high for 20 years?"'
"Don't overthink the cameo man."

Namely they find his tranquilizers, and after a brief visit to his psychiatrist, they find him. I mean, Scully finds him by accident while Mulder is visiting the psychiatrist, but I guess we're counting it. Anyway, he bolts and heads off into a cemetery, and Mulder gives chase, while Scully goes off to do something else. But, twist, it turns out the guy wants Mulder to kill him, not hurt Mulder, and after a bit of back and forth, he agrees to tell Mulder his story.

Namely his story is that he's normally a lizard person who got bitten by a human and started changing into a non-lizard-person. He felt instincts like getting a job and a hotel room, and couldn't stop, despite wanting to. He also wasn't responsible for any of the kills, a normal person (the one who bit him) was. And he's also completely miserable as a person, but that doesn't make him special, we're all miserable buddy.

Anyway, Mulder calls Scully who reveals she's at the animal control office because she knows that Pasha is the killer. And after a completely offscreen battle and arrest, they take him into custody. And so the episode ends with Mulder heading out into the woods to talk with the lizard man. It turns out the lizard man is off to hibernate for 10,000 years and transforms back into said lizard form right in front of Mulder, the episode closing on Mulder's belief in the supernatural being restored.

I'm not going to beat around the bush, Mulder and Scully Meet the Were-Monster is not up to the standards of the original Darin Morgan run of episodes. It's not even really up to the level of some of the better imitators, like Bad Blood. But, what it is, is fun, a pretty damn good little Monster-of-the-Week and this deep into the series, it's nice to get to see an episode or two that feel like they could, broadly, justify the decision to extend the series this much past its Golden Age.

This scene is pretty pointless, but it IS funny, so I'll take it.

But there is one issue I do need to talk about; The decision to have the conversation between Mulder and Guy (the lizard man, he goes by Guy Mann, which is reasonably funny) dip into some transphobia for a hot minute there. It's such a weird moment too, with Guy talking about how you can't change your sex (which is not what being trans is) and Mulder trying to correct him. It's weird and uncomfortable and worst of all, kind of pointless; It doesn't really add to the scene or the characters at all and then they just bounce past it, having left a sour taste in my, and all other trans women's mouths.

It's not the only issue with the episode, just the most obvious one. For starters, much like the later season as whole, the episode is just kinda flabby. Back in the day Darin Morgan episodes were incredibly tight, and the show as a whole was a lot more tightly written, but this episode just kind of meanders a lot. Yes, I know that's part of the point, but there's a difference between an episode feeling light and breezy and an episode feel like it just has a lot of pointless scenes (this would be the difference between say Were-Monster and War of the Coprophages).

But that's not really a dealbreaker of an issue, because the episode is very funny. The core joke, that the titular Were-Monster was a monster who was bitten by a human, is a funny one, and while the episode is just a tiny bit too proud of it, it takes it to some fun places. The lengthy bit where Guy details him suffering under late stage capitalism, same as the rest of us, is pretty decent, and (except for the random transphobic bit I mentioned above) manages to give a decent sense of a non-human entity being completely baffled by the shit we do as people.

The second largest element is the bit where Mulder feels adrift, with modern technology basically disproving a lot of supernatural stuff, and that's hit and miss. I get what they're going for, and it makes sense from a character standpoint (one of Darin Morgan's greatest strength is his insight into Mulder and Scully) but the end result is that Mulder spends a big chunk of the episode being pissy (which is neither fun for engaging), and the jokes about old people not understanding technology are hacky. But the ending scene, where this theme is resolved is fantastic, easily the best scene in the episode, and Duchovny plays it perfectly.

I didn't mention the running gag where the sketch has 3 eyes, but this design is fun.

The actual plot is pretty secondary, once again entirely on purpose. I like the recurring bit where Scully basically solves the plot entirely off screen, by herself (although I feel like it needed one more beat, rule of 3 and all that), the episode can barely pretend to care to conceal whose doing it. Most of it is more devoted to callbacks and references to older X-Files episodes, some of which are fun, some of which cause eyerolls but all of which feel fond and comfy. Darin Morgan hasn't been back to the series in 20 years and giving him a chance to do a bit of a victory lap is...it's fine. I like it.

Darin Morgan is beloved not just because his episodes were great, which they were, but because they were influential. The more comedically tinged episodes were widely imitated especially in Seasons 6 and 7, but there were also thoughtful and interrogated who Mulder and Scully were, how they fit into the larger world they existed in. They were revolutionary to the tone and style of the show, but its too late in the game to do any more revolutions. A Darin Morgan episode simply can't have the same impact now, so all it can do is make us fondly remember the 20 year old episodes. But I guess that can be enough. 

Case Notes:

• Opening with two people huffing paint in the woods feels more Always Sunny than X-Files but I'll roll with it.
• The lizard creature looks appealingly fake.
• Mulder throwing pencils at the poster is an amusing Chinga callback.
• Basically stating that his previous work on the X-Files was inherently childish is a clear setup for him to be proven wrong.
• Peevish, skeptic Mulder is not much fun.
• Do not like the way the trans sex worker is written. The X-Files has always had an awkward relationship to queer culture and this not a place it needs to go right now.
• Hey Kumail Nanjiani, I like him a lot.
• Mulder wandering around taking rapid pictures is actually pretty funny. Honestly the whole chase is pretty good.
• The British dude being the monster is so obvious that the episode doesn't even try to pretend otherwise.
• Mulder being back on board the monster train is dorky, but a lot more fun.
• "Mulder the internet is not good for you" is an A++ Scully line.
• Scully admitting the cases can be fun is a meta comment on how the show could be a lot of fun, which I do agree with.
• Mulder is way too blaise about the stuff going on at the hotel. I'd definitely report the manager for having a peeping hallway behind all his rooms.
• Also is the manager drinking rubbing alcohol?
• The manager peeping on Mulder instead of Scully is uh...something like a joke I guess?
• I like Mulder going on a rant about were-monsters and where the monster came from while Scully looks incredulous is good stuff, and I agree with Scully, this is how I like my Mulder.
• Just randomly smash cutting to the were-lizard's doctor giving a fairy tale is uh...odd. It's a weird scene all around.
• The psychiatrist prescribing Mulder some anti-psychotics is funny.
• I am extremely amused by Guy just flipping out and bolting when Scully asks him some questions, especially given it takes place off screen.
• The grave stone Mulder visits is Kim Manners', one of The X-Files main Producers and Directors, who passed in 2009. It's sweet.
• I actually like the scene at the gravestone, the British dude's cheerful demeanor while asking to die and threatening to kill Mulder is pretty funny.
• The episode admitting there's no internal logic is reasonably funny, as is the random aside where the monster pretends to have had sex with Scully. I do appreciate giving Gillian Anderson a chance to be Very Sexy.
• The episode is a litttttttttttle too proud of pointing out that humans are the real monsters, but the actor sells it, as does Mulder's exhaustion at the end of the story.
• Mulder's ringtone being The X-Files theme is too cute by half. Honestly it'd be funnier if his ringtone was a digital approximation of his old phones ringing sound.
• Mulder going off on a rant about how the whole scenario is silly and he's a fool for buying it is...well I dunno what they're actually driving at with it at this point.
• Scully getting attacked by the animal control guy, defeating him off camera and turning out to have solved the case without Mulder is also pretty funny.
• I like everyone shutting down the serial killer's speech.
• I dunno how to feel about Scully knowing she's immortal. I do like her taking the dog home though.
• As always, these reviews are supported by my Patreon. In the making of this review a trans woman (me) was forced to listen to a comedian spout transphobic nonsense, and I deserve financial compensation, so check it out.

Current Celebrity Watch:

Guy Mann is played by Rhys Darby, a New Zealand stand up comic and actor. While he's been in a lot of stuff, to me he'll always be Murray, the manager on Flight of the Conchords. He's currently playing the lead, Stede Bonnett, on Our Flag Means Death.

The actual killer, Pasha, is played by Kumail Nanjiani, a very talented actor who, at this point, was probably best known for playing Dinesh on Silicon Valley. He's also been on Franklin & Bash, and in Eternals. He's gonna be in Obi-Wan soon, which I likely won't watch.

Annabelle, the trans sex worker, is played by Shangela, a drag queen you might know from Ru-Paul's Drag Race, which suggests that Darin Morgan doesn't know the difference between a drag queen and a trans woman which is uhhhhhhhh it's not great.

And yes, in case you're wondering, the two stoners in the opening are the same actors as the ones from Quagmire and War of the Coprophages.