Case 09, File 01: Nothing Important Happened Today

AKA: You Find Out Why It's Called That Next Episode

9 Seasons is, in tv terms, a goddamn eternity. Lots of incredibly iconic shows never got to that number or called it quits right around there. And by the time The X-Files arrived at Season 9, it was already limping, from the loss of Duchovny (who is completely out this season) to the recent failure of its spinoff, to the simple fact that Season 8 was kind of uneven and still hasn't figured out how to best utilize Robert Patrick. Add in to that that they were already deep into 2001 and the political ground was shifting beneath their feet, and we all know The X-Files was in for a rough year.

After a cold open where Lucy Lawless (they mention her name once but I missed it) shows up at a bar and convinces a dude to take her home, and then drives his car off a bridge and makes him drown, our episode kicks off on the Monday after the end of the previous episode, where Scully has her kid, Doggett and Reyes are investigating Kersh. Specifically Reyes goes to see a friend named Brad, who gives her a copy of the security camera footage from the parking garage the other night and it turns out the crash and explosion aren't on it.

After some back and forth where Doggett is pissed that his deadly battle with the super soldiers left no evidence, and Mulder has disappeared, Lucy Lawless shows up at a water treatment plant and attacks another worker. It's a pretty silly sequence but Lucy Lawless still looks badass even stark naked, so that's something. Also Doggett gets told by everyone, from Skinner to Scully, to drop the investigation of Kersh since it's not working out for them. Reyes is on his side though.

It's worth pointing out that Scully is determined to get Doggett to drop it because she's pretty sure that him digging into Kersh will put her and her completely normal, definitely normal, baby in danger. But that gets a little complicated when William decides to start moving the mobile over his crib with his brain. Also Doggett goes digging into his army buddies, because one of them was Knowle who turned out to be a super solider and one of them is Lucy Lawless' character. This is the only time they say her name this episode and it bounced off my brain but wikipedia tells me her name is Shannon.

Doggett enlists the Lone Gunmen, fresh off the end of their series, to find the body of the EPA guy. Doggett and Reyes go to see his body, but it turns out they don't actually have legal access to the body, so even when they call Scully in to do an autopsy, they're technically breaking the law. And even when Scully finds a bruise where Lucy Lawless held the dude down under, Brad still tattles on them to Kersh, and gets assigned the job of going off to punish them. Dogget's already bolted. Oh and there's a kind of weird scene where Shannon goes to see Scully's mom who's watching William, but nothing happens.

Not quite as good as a shirtless Mulder X-Files, but I appreciate where your head is at.

It turns out that Doggett and Skinner headed off to the water treatment plant where Shannon drowned that dude to try and find why. After some digging they get the files from his desk to get information about some chemical in the water (I didn't follow this element at all, I assume it gets resolved in the next episode), but Brad shows up to stop them and...arrest Doggett? I'm not actually clear on what his plan is when he catches Doggett but whatever, Doggett jumps underwater to hide from him. And before we can wonder how he's going to protect those files underwater, Shannon appears beneath him and starts dragging him under.

Nothing Important Happened Today is a two parter, which as always makes it harder to review on its own (if I was smarter I would have started combining two parters into one big review, but I'm not, so I didn't and it's too later now) but even by the standards of part 1s of two parters, this episode is a mess. It's not a disaster if only because it keeps moving at a good clip, but honestly, it's hard to focus on any one element.

That's because the episode is putting down a lot of stuff and most of it feels disconnected and kind of disjointed, in a way that I can't quite put my finger on. Technically all these plots are connected, but the scenes don't seem to flow into each other. Several elements are either setups for the next episode (the chemical in the water thing, which I did not get at all) or just tension moments with no payoff (Shannon threatening Scully's mom). Half the time I barely feel like I have any grasp on why the characters are doing anything or how one action follows another. As such the plot feels like a disconnected series of events rather than a story.

Dun-dun. Dun-dun. Dun-dun.

It doesn't help that the episode is firing new characters and major character changes at us from a t-shirt cannon. Reyes and Skinner get moved to the main credits, we get two major new characters for this episode, both played by actors who are big names, hell The Lone Gunmen show up, fresh off their cliffhanger (and apparently fine) with little more fanfare than some slightly bitter jokes about their spinoff not being renewed.

Of course the biggest character change is Mulder leaving, and that's rather emblematic of the season as a whole. It's not a character beat that makes any logical sense (his arc actually suggests that he should stay) but one that's dictated by the needs of the production; They couldn't secure Duchovny for the season, so Mulder has to leave. The season as a whole gives off this vibe, from the weird plot of this episode, to the shift in the opening titles that feels slightly uncanny; Not needed cause the plot demanded more story (honestly, they could have written either Seasons 7 or 8 with more finality and had them serve as solid endings) but because Fox's lineup was still a little weak and it needed The X-Files to anchor it.

So what good is there in the episode? Well Kersh is unhappy, which I like, but we get more Kersh, which I don't. Seasons 8 and 9 feature Kersh pretty strongly, and he's such a difficult character. Much like Spender, he's so intensely antagonistic towards our heroes that he becomes kind of a hate sink, but while Spender at least had an interesting backstory and motivation, Kersh is just a jerk.

Every time Brad rats on his friends to Kersh, he's really saying "I love you."

The other good stuff is mostly background details, character stuff. Reyes and Scully still bounce off each other well. I like the Lone Gunmen's entrance (the bitter jokes are funny, as is Langley's face still being blue) and how Reyes is supposed to just keep up with who they are, it emphasizes her newness to the series in a way that's fun, and I like acknowledging that the spinoff existed in a fun way. Honestly if they'd spent more time acknowledging the spinoff when it was running, it probably would have done better. It's also worth noting that the episode looks great; Underwater shoots can look like shit really easily, but the car crash in the opening looks great and even Doggett getting dragged under looks solid, even if it is kind of nonsensical.

Season 9 is around where a lot of shows call it quits because running a show that long usually means that you're running low on ideas. Jerry Seinfeld famously rejected a 10 million dollar an episode payout to do a 10th season of Seinfeld because he felt the show had run its course. Sure, basically no show gets to go out at the top of their game (Seinfeld is one of the few shows that could compete with The X-Files as my favorite and I will admit, Season 9 is far from top tier Seinfeld) but calling it quits before you're completely exhausted is usually a good idea. We'll see if The X-Files actually managed to do that.

Case Notes:

• Dude, don't stick your fingers in a glass and then lick them, gross.
• Dude spots Lucy Lawless at a bar and immediately shoots his shot. Can't say I don't admire him. Not sure I'd have opened up with a rant about chemicals in the water though.
• The underwater scene is actually really solid.
• Man I do not like the new opening credits, they feel off, like the the opening credits of equivalent of the uncanny valley. But hey, Skinner made the opening credits.
• I like the fact that they have to cover for Duchovny not being around by having Mulder be in the shower.
• Brad goes straight to make out with Reyes and she seems surprised but not super unhappy. To be fair I'd go for Carey Elwes too.
• I feel like they kinda had to make them cover the big garage battle up up because otherwise the status quo of The X-Files would change too much too quickly.
• Mulder's apartment being empty makes me sad.
• Lucy Lawless popping out of the water naked is deeply funny to me in a way I don't think is intentional.
• I'm pretty sure "Drowned by a naked Lucy Lawless" is a fetish for someone.
• It seems kind of shitty, like from a writing perspective, to build up the idea of Doggett investigating Kersh at the end of the last season and then immediately have characters asking Doggett to drop it.
• I like that Reyes is willing to stick by Doggett, she seems like that kind of person.
• Reyes considers the X-Files a dream assignment cause she's a dork too.
• The scene between Doggett and Scully in the apartment does actually have some emotional weight behind it, even if the episode needs to stay mysterious about why Mulder bolted and Scully is scared.
• Not sure I remember why more than one of the super soldiers were pulled from Doggett's war buddies but I'm pretty sure it's not actually relevant.
• The bit with William moving the mobile with his brain is actually pretty solid, it's well shot.
• The pencils stuck in the ceiling is a great callback but wasn't the fire in The End after Chinga? Wouldn't the pencils have gotten burned?
• Okay the scene where Scully finds William moving the mobile is excellent, Gillian Anderson sells the dread really well.
• There's something kind of real about the part of the plot where Skinner basically says that law enforcement will protect their own, even if they're guilty, and The X-Files is critical enough of power structures to actually explore it, I think.
• Hey The Lone Gunmen, and they actually obliquely reference the events of All About Yves with Langely's face still being blue. Plus I think the "Like we've got anything better to be doing" is a kind of bitter joke about their show being cancelled.
• Reyes fawning over Scully being able to do an autopsy so soon after giving birth is cute. They still have better chemistry than Doggett and either of them.
• Brad being a rat feels like should be more of a twist than it is.
• I like the bit where Kersh basically tells Brad that he has to fuck Doggett up if he wants Doggett fucked up, and Brad tries to rat his way out, it's a good beat.
• Scully's mom being left alone with the baby when the super soldier shows up is kinda scary, I don't want Scully's mom to get mulched.
• I like the scene with Brad, Scully and Reyes, it feels very conspiratorial and a little more grounded than the series has been lately. I also like that Brad genuinely does not seem to know what he's wandering into.
• Reyes gets to meet the Lone Gunmen too, fun.
• The bit where Doggett and Skinner have to figure out which desk is the dead guy's feels like padding.
• As always these reviews are supported by my Patreon. Check it out so I can afford to put chemicals in the water that turn the friggin' frogs gay.

Current Celebrity Watch:

Shannon is, of course, played by Lucy Lawless, at this point best known for Xena: Warrior Princess although she would have roles, major and minor, in a lot of other stuff. No joke, when I first watched this episode I shouted "Oh my god it's Xena" when she showed up. I was 14.

Brad, who I recall being a semi-recurring character, is played by Carey Elwes. He too has had a long and fairly solid career (he was in an episode of Seinfeld since I was ranting about that above) but his most famous role is, and will likely remain, as Wesley in The Princess Bride.