AKA: The Most Interesting Thing To Ever Happen In Naples
If there's one thing I appreciate more and more about The X-Files as I get older is how out there they were willing to be with their premise. I watch sci-fi shows today with access to special effects that The X-Files could only dream of, and they never once take a wild swing on an idea as bizarre as "A tentacle monster made out of sea water." That doesn't mean the episode is great, or even good, it just means that even when the show wasn't at it's best, it was always willing to hog wild on some truly strange concepts.
Our episode opens with a Florida woman and her teenage son trying to board up their house during a hurricane. They suddenly decide they need to tip over the washing machine, but before they do, a bunch of tentacles pop out of nowhere and grab them. We then join our heroes on their exciting adventure already in progress: They arrive down in Florida to speak with Arthur Dales (remember him) telling him that his neighbors were attacked by something with tentacles and advising them to go out to their house and check on them. In a hurricane.
But they're Mulder and Scully dammit, so they head out to the neighbors house, to find them missing and with weird slime on the pipes. Before they can investigate too much, a sheriff shows up and, because he's a dipshit, he holds them at gunpoint until Mulder can disarm him and Scully can prove they're FBI. But they still have no sign of the family, so they try to leave the state of Florida (as they should) only to find the hurricane has shut down everything.
Meanwhile, Officer Dipshit has wandered into an apartment building where he finds a pile of goo in the vague shape of a man which grows a tentacle to attack him. And somehow, by complete coincidence, when Mulder and Scully need to find a place to wait out the hurricane, they wind up at the apartment building where the sheriff is. They decide they have to stay there and try and help him, which Scully does by pulling a weird tentacle thing from his neck and dumping him in the bathtub.
Mulder does a quick sweep of the building and finds a quirky cast of characters; A weak willed man and his overbearing pregnant girlfriend, a looter and a crazed libertarian gun nut who refuses to leave his room (that last one is just standard issue in Florida). But before they can figure out what to do, a tentacle jumps out of the ceiling and attacks Mr. Gun Nut, who decides that maybe there's strength in numbers. There's probably a political metaphor there, but I won't say it.
While all this is happening, the looter pulls the cop's wedding ring off and bolts with it, but not before accidentally spilling some Epsom Salt into the bathtub. When the pregnant lady heads to the bathroom later, they find the sheriff has dissolved, leading Mulder to think that somehow the creature causes its victims to dissolve. Before he can test this theory, he gets attacked by the creature coming out the ceiling, and Mr. Gun Nut, being a sensible Gun Nut, decides that the best course of action is to hold Scully at gunpoint and refuse to let her try and help Mulder.
Before Scully can solve that problem (presumably by shooting him in the face) the pregnant lady begins giving birth, forcing Scully to deal with that. While this is happening, Mulder sees the cat that belongs to the family at the beginning of the episode hanging around outside, the Gun Nut is attacked by the creature, and he and Scully come to the same realization at the same time: Fresh water stops the creature cause it's made of salt water. Mulder crawls outside into the rain while Scully demands the put upon father fulfill his non-arc and use her gun to shoot the sprinkler. And thus the episode ends with a denouement where Mulder and Scully tell Arthur Dales about the shit they went through and he tells Mulder to appreciate Scully. As we all should.
Agua Mala is a decent concept for a monster, let down by an unfocused script. I've seen some people refer to it as the worst episode of Season Six, which I don't agree with. I don't think it's a bad episode, it's got some good moments and there's nothing egregiously bad about it, it just doesn't have a lot of punch. It's reasonably diverting, but were it not for it being the first episode where Mulder and Scully are back on the X-Files, it would probably be forgotten.
If there's one thing that sinks the episode, it's the structure. The episode's main element of tension comes from being a closed room monster plot, not the most original setup but it works for a reason. The problem is, the way this episode is structured, we don't end up trapped in a building with the monster until the episode is more than half over.
The problem with this is two-fold. The first is that means our heroes don't really get to start grappling with the monster until that point, so they have to run through all of the monster stuff (figuring out what it does, what it's made of, how to beat it) very fast, and it all ends up feeling kind of rushed. Mulder and Scully come to the same realization at the same moment of how to beat it, and while it's completely in character for Mulder (who comes up with a new absurd theory about once an hour) it feels very sudden for Scully.
But having a slightly wonky explanation for how the monster is defeated is not a major problem, much worse is how the plot construction messes with the characters. See, a major part of the fun of a Trapped-With-The-Monster plot is giving the monster an interesting cast of characters to mess with. This is a well worn plot construction (Alien and The Thing are good examples), one The X-Files has used multiple times before, going all the way back to Season 1. It's simple, but it works.
The problem is, since we haven't got our cast of characters established until after the midpoint, we don't really get much of a chance to build and interact. They're each given exactly one personality trait (put upon, angry, gun nut and looter) and one thing to do to move the plot or give them a character arc (shoot the sprinkler, give birth, lock Mulder out, loot) and it just makes them all feel very thin. They don't even really manage to keep track of them all. The last time I can be certain the looter was in the room was when he stole the sheriff's ring, and if he was still in the room after that, then I certainly didn't notice him.
That doesn't mean there's nothing to like here, just that you gotta work for it. While the monster is poorly explained and easily defeated, it's a neat concept, and they do a lot with it. I especially like the semi-diegetic noise that the thing makes when it shows up, it sounds appropriately weird and otherworldly, while still feeling somewhat like something in the real world (namely whales). And while the episode is really thin on secondary character interactions, I do love Mulder bouncing around off the other characters (his first interaction with the looter is pure gold).
A thought occurred as I was writing this review, and that's that the season's worst episodes are, with the exception of Season 1's Space, never episodes that are boring. They tend to be episodes that took an out there premise and tried to make an interesting episode out of it. And that is kind of proof why The X-Files is my favorite show of all time. Even when it's failing, it's failing on crazy swings for the fences.
This still isn't the worst episode of the season though. I mean, The Rain King exists.
Case Notes:
But they're Mulder and Scully dammit, so they head out to the neighbors house, to find them missing and with weird slime on the pipes. Before they can investigate too much, a sheriff shows up and, because he's a dipshit, he holds them at gunpoint until Mulder can disarm him and Scully can prove they're FBI. But they still have no sign of the family, so they try to leave the state of Florida (as they should) only to find the hurricane has shut down everything.
Meanwhile, Officer Dipshit has wandered into an apartment building where he finds a pile of goo in the vague shape of a man which grows a tentacle to attack him. And somehow, by complete coincidence, when Mulder and Scully need to find a place to wait out the hurricane, they wind up at the apartment building where the sheriff is. They decide they have to stay there and try and help him, which Scully does by pulling a weird tentacle thing from his neck and dumping him in the bathtub.
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| "Mom! You said...teens always live!" "I was just getting that from Jurassic Park!" |
While all this is happening, the looter pulls the cop's wedding ring off and bolts with it, but not before accidentally spilling some Epsom Salt into the bathtub. When the pregnant lady heads to the bathroom later, they find the sheriff has dissolved, leading Mulder to think that somehow the creature causes its victims to dissolve. Before he can test this theory, he gets attacked by the creature coming out the ceiling, and Mr. Gun Nut, being a sensible Gun Nut, decides that the best course of action is to hold Scully at gunpoint and refuse to let her try and help Mulder.
Before Scully can solve that problem (presumably by shooting him in the face) the pregnant lady begins giving birth, forcing Scully to deal with that. While this is happening, Mulder sees the cat that belongs to the family at the beginning of the episode hanging around outside, the Gun Nut is attacked by the creature, and he and Scully come to the same realization at the same time: Fresh water stops the creature cause it's made of salt water. Mulder crawls outside into the rain while Scully demands the put upon father fulfill his non-arc and use her gun to shoot the sprinkler. And thus the episode ends with a denouement where Mulder and Scully tell Arthur Dales about the shit they went through and he tells Mulder to appreciate Scully. As we all should.
Agua Mala is a decent concept for a monster, let down by an unfocused script. I've seen some people refer to it as the worst episode of Season Six, which I don't agree with. I don't think it's a bad episode, it's got some good moments and there's nothing egregiously bad about it, it just doesn't have a lot of punch. It's reasonably diverting, but were it not for it being the first episode where Mulder and Scully are back on the X-Files, it would probably be forgotten.
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| That is Scully's "Contemplating murder" smile. She uses it a lot. |
The problem with this is two-fold. The first is that means our heroes don't really get to start grappling with the monster until that point, so they have to run through all of the monster stuff (figuring out what it does, what it's made of, how to beat it) very fast, and it all ends up feeling kind of rushed. Mulder and Scully come to the same realization at the same moment of how to beat it, and while it's completely in character for Mulder (who comes up with a new absurd theory about once an hour) it feels very sudden for Scully.
But having a slightly wonky explanation for how the monster is defeated is not a major problem, much worse is how the plot construction messes with the characters. See, a major part of the fun of a Trapped-With-The-Monster plot is giving the monster an interesting cast of characters to mess with. This is a well worn plot construction (Alien and The Thing are good examples), one The X-Files has used multiple times before, going all the way back to Season 1. It's simple, but it works.
The problem is, since we haven't got our cast of characters established until after the midpoint, we don't really get much of a chance to build and interact. They're each given exactly one personality trait (put upon, angry, gun nut and looter) and one thing to do to move the plot or give them a character arc (shoot the sprinkler, give birth, lock Mulder out, loot) and it just makes them all feel very thin. They don't even really manage to keep track of them all. The last time I can be certain the looter was in the room was when he stole the sheriff's ring, and if he was still in the room after that, then I certainly didn't notice him.
 |
| The sheriff is braver than I am. I take one look at this thing and I'm running out the door, possibly screaming. |
A thought occurred as I was writing this review, and that's that the season's worst episodes are, with the exception of Season 1's Space, never episodes that are boring. They tend to be episodes that took an out there premise and tried to make an interesting episode out of it. And that is kind of proof why The X-Files is my favorite show of all time. Even when it's failing, it's failing on crazy swings for the fences.
This still isn't the worst episode of the season though. I mean, The Rain King exists.
Case Notes:
- I do like the cold open of this episode, it does a reasonably good job of setting up everything, even if I'm not totally clear how one comes by the knowledge of the end reveal that fresh water will stop the monster.
- Also the episode kicks off with a kid dying pretty graphically, which is pretty unique. Killing kids is usually taboo, so kicking off with that is a bold statement.
- I don't remember how many views it took me to realize that the old man who calls Mulder in on this case is also the old man from Travelers. I dunno what it being him adds, he's just kinda there.
- Dales: Why did you bring her here? Me: She's his fucking partner, he would die without her.
- Dales basically emotionally blackmails Mulder and Scully into looking into the missing people, which is pretty great.
- An actual, literal cat scare in this episode. Come on X-Files, that's beneath you.
- A cat running around, people getting attacked from the floor and ceiling and weird slime on the pipes? Is this an Alien movie?
- The deputy is kind of insufferable (shouldn't he at least ask for ID before assuming they're lying about being FBI?) but seeing him fuck up bad enough to get his gun pulled from him is funny.
- Why does no one in the state of Florida believe that Mulder and Scully are FBI? In my experience, being too suspicious is not a problem Floridians have.
- This episode takes place in Collier County, which is a part of Florida I know pretty well, as my grandmother used to live in Naples. It was pretty boring frankly, so maybe a sea monster would liven the place up.
- The effect on the dude who's been reduced to slime is pretty solid, not gonna lie.
- I'm always down for some Mulder and Scully talking about facing down horrible shit and I want a gif of Scully' "I don't need my mettle tested" immediately.
- Scully performs an emergency tracheotomy with a pocket knife like it ain't no thing. God she's badass.
- Mulder's interaction with the looter in the hallway is excellent.
- George Vincent, deeply unhinged and paranoid gun nut, is unfortunately a little more in line with Florida residents that I've known than anyone else in this episode.
- This episode keeps tossing in people who don't have cars which is not really practical in Florida.
- Mulder is pretty blase about the deputy dissolving. In fact, everyone is pretty blase about it.
- The episode is kind of bullrushing towards its conclusion but I do like the visual of the tentacle in the ceiling.
- The episode throws way too many problems in at the last second (the lady suddenly giving birth, the crazy dude deciding he's going to lock Mulder out for some reason) and it doesn't have enough time to resolve any of them naturally.
- Dales explaining how miraculous it is that Scully assisted with a birth in the middle of everything is too on the nose X-Files. The ending as a whole is just a little too cute.
- As always, these reviews are supported by my Patreon. Check it out to help me afford a car, so if a monster made of seawater gets in my house, I can drive away.
Future Celebrity Watch:
We've got a murderous row of future celebrities (well, for a given value of celebrity) here. In order of appearance: Evan (the teenager who gets killed by the monster in the cold open) is played by Max Kasch, who went on to play Zig-Zag in Holes. I haven't seen Holes in like 10 years, so I forget how big his role is, but I wanted to mention it.
Next up, the Sheriff is played by Joel McKinnon Miller, who is currently playing Detective Scully on Brooklyn 99. The looter (who wikipedia has informed me was named Dougie) is played by Silas Weir Mitchell, who not only played Haywire on Prison Break but also played a character named Monroe on Grimm. I have watched neither of those shows enough to know anything about either of those characters, but I'm given to understand they're main characters.
Oh you thought I was done? Nope. Walter was played by Valente Rodriguez, who would soon go on to a lengthy run as a character named Ernie on George Lopez. And finally, Angela was played by Diana-Maria Riva, who has been getting regular work as secondary characters on long running shows (The West Wing, Sabrina the Teenage Witch) and main characters on shows that only last one season (Telenovela, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip). She's currently on Dead to Me.
Next up, the Sheriff is played by Joel McKinnon Miller, who is currently playing Detective Scully on Brooklyn 99. The looter (who wikipedia has informed me was named Dougie) is played by Silas Weir Mitchell, who not only played Haywire on Prison Break but also played a character named Monroe on Grimm. I have watched neither of those shows enough to know anything about either of those characters, but I'm given to understand they're main characters.
Oh you thought I was done? Nope. Walter was played by Valente Rodriguez, who would soon go on to a lengthy run as a character named Ernie on George Lopez. And finally, Angela was played by Diana-Maria Riva, who has been getting regular work as secondary characters on long running shows (The West Wing, Sabrina the Teenage Witch) and main characters on shows that only last one season (Telenovela, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip). She's currently on Dead to Me.
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