Case 05, File 12: Bad Blood

AKA: What We Do In The Texas Shadows

After Darin Morgan stopped writing for The X-Files, there was a desire to recreate some of the stuff he did for the show. Of course a lot of the later attempts (especially in Season 6 onwards) would forget that part of what made Morgan great was his shocking insight into his characters. But without that, the least they could do, is make the episode absolutely, screamingly, hilarious.

Bad Blood opens with a mysterious figure chasing another mysterious figure through the Texas woods. When Chasing Mysterious Figure catches Running Mysterious Figure, he shoves a stake through the other guy's heart...only to be revealed to be our favorite man, Agent Fox Mulder. When Scully catches up, he points out the dude he just staked had vampire teeth...until Scully points out they're fake. And Mulder just killed a dude. Oops.

So we head back to the office and get introduced to our framing device: Mulder and Scully, preparing for their meeting with Skinner, telling each other their version of events. Scully's kicks off with Mulder being a little overly energetic and dragging Scully down to Texas because six cows (and one person) have been exsanguinated, making him think Vampire. So they get there, where they meet the charming and handsome Sheriff named Hartwell, but who will go by Luke Wilson in my notes because I couldn't remember his name and he's played by Luke Wilson.

So after some odd behavior by Mulder, natch, Scully is forced to do an autopsy, which annoys and exhausts her, but she discovers that the victim had been drugged, poking holes in Mulder's vampire theory. But Mulder shows up, bedraggled and annoyed, and demands Scully immediately do an autopsy on the body he just found. Scully, forgoing the pizza she ordered, goes and does the autopsy and discovers that this victim had pizza just like the previous one, making her realize it's the pizza guy, Ronnie, and Mulder is in danger. She rushes back to the hotel to find Mulder unharmed but drugged and under attack (and singing the Shaft theme) and that's more or less where we jump in.

I love this shot of Scully and Hartwell flirting while Mulder looks annoyed in the background.

Mulder disputes chunks of these events: In his version he was calmer and she was more severe and also Sheriff Hartwell had big buck teeth because Mulder is a jealous baby. Anyway, he and Hartwell go and hang out and Mulder explains that the vampire is probably OCD because uh...I actually have no idea, but whatever, roll with it. Oh and Mulder got bedraggled and annoyed trying to stop a runaway camper with the dead guy in it. Aside from that, Mulder's events pretty much line up with Scully's. Pretty much.

But before they can get punished for randomly murdering a citizen (he's white you see) Ronnie comes back to life and our heroes are sent back to Texas, where Mulder has a new theory: Ronnie is a vampire fanboy who just happens to actually be a vampire. This turns out to be true of him and everyone else in the trailer park (and also the Sheriff); They're all vampires. But they're Reform vampires, I suppose, because they leave Mulder and Scully alive and disappear. And so, our heroes leave disappointed and confused. Oh and the Sheriff didn't have buck teeth, that's important.

Part of me wants to lament that this episode doesn't have as strong a central theme or characterization as some of Darin Morgan's classics, and while I'm sure I'll bring that up during some later comedic slanted episodes, I don't care here because this episode is hilarious. The X-Files isn't my favorite show because it's the deepest or most emotionally complex, it's my favorite because I enjoy watching it the most, and some just being hysterical is enough.

"Man he is hung like a-"
"That's the stake he was killed with!"
"Oh. Oh! That makes more sense."

Some of the stuff that makes the episode work is just the stuff you'd want to do in an episode like, only executed excellently. The Rashomon style storytelling requires, especially in comedy, a lot of setup/payoff and this episode does that excellently. I especially love the reveal of why Mulder was so tired and muddy when he got to Scully's hotel room, as the whole story makes both of their annoyance with each other more understandable. It allows for the second half of the episode to act almost like a mystery, filling in the gaps in our knowledge even while we know the broad strokes.

It also allows for some really good small character moments in the differences in how Mulder and Scully see themselves and each other. I like how blatant Scully is about mooning over Luke Wilson (and how Mulder immediately starts denigrating him because, as stated above, he's a big jealous baby) or how Mulder seems to think his focus on the corpse's shoelaces being untied is perfectly reasonable, while Scully thinks he's a lunatic. It's not quite the searing insight into Mulder's soul provided by Jose Chung's From Outer Space but it shows some solid knowledge of how Mulder and Scully see the world.

And it's not like the episode doesn't tie into the broader theme of the series. Part of the reason The X-Files worked as well as it did when it did is it existed as an exploration of (and almost love letter to) the last gasp of a weird element of America that was being rapidly flattened out in the modern age. Some really great episodes, like Humbug or Home, tackled this theme head on and were better for it. Bad Blood doesn't have ambitions that are that great, but the idea of a town of vampires that has abandoned vampirism entirely (and regard the fanboy who wants to return to it as an embarrassment) is a solid expansion on that concept.

I will never get tired of Mulder fending off vampires with breadsticks, I honestly won't.

Which is not to say the episode is perfect. I wish it had expanded on the aforementioned concept of the Town o' Vampires a little more, but that's an unavoidable consequence of the reveal that the town is full of vampires being a final moment twist rather than an integral part of the plot. It's also pretty undeniable that the final act, after the flashbacks are over, the episode begins to run out of steam. It's still funny and the sight of Mulder trying to ward off vampires with a pair of garlic bread crossed to look like a crucifix never fails to make me laugh, but it feels a little redundant.

Bad Blood isn't the best episode of Season 5, but like a lot of the better episodes, it shows that the series is still at its peak, still capable of putting its elements together flawlessly. We'll talk about Seasons 6 and 7 (which I still like, even if I don't love them as much as previous seasons) when we get to them, but for now Bad Blood is one of the best expressions of the series that got me through a lot of rough times, a series that I can always settle into and that can always make me smile.

Case Notes:

• I will try to keep these case notes from just descending into a series of the best quotes from this episode. No promises, but I will try.
• The cold open is pretty solid, in that it seems to be a standard opening, but I love the reveal that Mulder is the one chasing the dude. 
• From there, the reveal that the vampire's teeth are fake and Mulder's cut short "Oh shit" are pretty good indicators of the tone. Good cold open all around.
• I love Gillian Anderson's very mild double take when Mulder says that he's gonna tell Skinner exactly what he saw.
• The conversation in the office is great stuff. It's funny, it plays on Mulder and Scully chemistry so well.
• I love how David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson alter their performances slightly in the two different flashbacks. Duchovny's is more noticeable but Anderson's is more subtle.
• The entire conversation about the dead cows (and eventual dead tourist) is so funny that you don't even notice, but who goes to a 300 person town 50 miles outside of Dallas to vacation?
• It's very hard to write notes while I'm laughing so hard, but I love how Scully is having this close, intimate conversation with Luke Wilson while talking about physical disorders that make you allergic to garlic.
• "Have you noticed that this man's SHOES ARE UNTIED!" is just amazing delivery.
• This is the most detailed autopsy we get in the series and it really does serve to show how frustrating and boring it can be.
• I like how Scully isn't at all grossed out by the stomach contents and in fact orders a pizza with the same toppings.
• The location title being rewritten after Mulder corrects her is minor, but solid.
• Mulder being covered with mud is great setup for later, as is neither of them being willing to tell each other why they're so tired and irritated.
• Our second victim is from Naples, Florida and it actually makes sense that he would go to a 300 person town in Texas for his vacation because I've been to Naples and it's the most boring place imaginable.
• The large intestine sliding out of the scale is good gross out humor.
• I've always loved Scully's little moment of realization at the end of the autopsy.
• I dunno if anyone has ever done a "Funniest moments of The X-Files" list, but Mulder singing Shaft and his offended "I did NOT!" would be on any such list.
• Poor Luke Wilson in the horrifyingly fake buck teeth.
• Mulder telling the story puts so much emphasis on Scully mooning over Luke Wilson, he is so jealous.
• I love how, even in his flashback, Mulder decides to go on a lengthy tirade about vampires. Oh Mulder, and even in his flashback, his audience is entirely uninterested.
• Mulder saying that the killer will visit the gravesite and then immediately Ronnie passes by is obvious, but still funny.
• I feel like Mulder is exaggerating how much obsessive-compulsive disorder shows up in vampire myths, but whatever, it keeps the plot going.
• Mulder trying to skip over his humiliation at failing to stop the RV is another great moment, as is their eventual methods to try and stop it.
• Mulder doesn't tip the vampire pizza delivery guy. Come on Mulder, you're better than that.
• Mulder fending off Ronnie with the seeds and Ronnie telling him "You're in big trouble" is great, great stuff.
• The failed autopsy of Ronnie is great. The corner has this very low key dry humor in his handful of lines and I like Ronnie realizing his vampire teeth aren't there and just going for it anyway.
• I will never stop laughing at Mulder standing up and yelling "I WAS DRUGGED!"
• The fact that Ronnie is a vampire fanboy who happens to be a real vampire is a great twist.
• It goes by pretty fast, but I like Scully gloating over the fact that Luke Wilson doesn't have an overbite.
• The very very slow reveal that Luke Wilson (and thus the entire RV park) are vampires is really great, and his little speech about "Low profile" ties into the themes of the series really well.
• Mulder trying to ward off the vampires with the garlic bread in a cross is hysterical.
• "They pulled up stakes" would be a weak joke to go out on, so I'm glad they have the final scene with Skinner. "Except for the part about the buck teeth" is a much better final joke.
• As always these reviews are supported by my Patreon. They're also going to support my broader film criticism in 2019, so feel free to check them out to help me keep the lights on around here.

Current Celebrity Watch:

Our vampire, Ronnie, is played by Patrick Renna, who played Ham way back in The Sandlot. He's done a bunch of minor work around here and there, but honestly, The Sandlot is enough for him to get a mention here.

Future Celebrity Watch:

Our big one here is that Sheriff Hartwell is, of course, played by Luke Wilson, brother of Owen Wilson and someone who was never a massive massive success, but has been in enough stuff that people know who he is. And yes, I know he was in Bottle Rocket a few years before this, but no one saw Bottle Rocket when it first came out, so he still winds up in Future Celebrities.

On a more minor, but still interesting, note, the coroner is played by Brent Butt, who starred in the popular CTV sitcom Corner Gas. Believe it or not, this is not the first time I've heard of it. It ran for six seasons and is pretty good.