Case 03, File 22: Quagmire

AKA: We Can't Actually Send Mulder and Scully to Scotland

In terms of famous Cryptids, the Loch Ness monster is probably second only to Bigfoot in terms of fame, so it was inevitable that The X-Files would want to tackle it. They only had two major obstacles: First that the series in no way has the budget to properly render a giant aquatic monster and second that the Loch Ness monster lives in Scotland, which is pretty far outside Mulder and Scully's jurisdiction. You can fix the second by inventing a similar monster in the US and the first by...well we'll see.

Our episode opens with Dr. Faraday, famed frog researcher, trying to explain to a fish and wildlife worker why frogs at the lake he works in Georgia at should be placed on the endangered species list. The worker ignores him and is immediately seized by a mysterious something and dragged into the water. Later, we pick up with Mulder and Scully (and Queequeg) driving into the Georgian wilderness to find the supposed monster that lives in the lake, which has also supposedly eaten a scout master.

Upon arriving, they meet the locals, some of whom treat the monster like an opportunity to make a buck and some of whom treat finding it as a holy calling. While they're hanging around, trying to find their motel, a fisherman pulls the body of the scout master out of the lake. Well half of it. Lower half. Scully still insists he fell in, drowned, and got chopped up by a motorboat.

Later that night, one of the locals is out making fake monster tracks to drive tourist sales, but he is immediately dragged off by an unseen assailant. Mulder advises the sheriff to close the lake when they find the body, but the sheriff has seen Jaws and knows he has to stall. He continues to stall, even when two more people, one who was diving near his stoner friends and one who was watching the water to look for the monster, are dragged off, but finally gives in and closes the lake when he gets knocked in and briefly feels the monster. Wah wah.

Imagine your gravestone reading "Died because he went back for his beeper." How embarrassing.

Anyhoo, Mulder and Scully spend some time looking over the guy who was searching for the monster's photos, until Scully takes Queequeg for a walk and Queequeg gets chomped. Apparently motivated by revenge, Mulder and Scully rent a boat and head out onto the lake to find the monster. Turns out neither of them are nautical masters, as their boat is immediately sunk by the monster, and our intrepid heroes wind up stranded on a rock in the middle of the lake.

Mulder and Scully take this opportunity to discuss their relationship, Mulder's obsession with the unknown and whether they're capable of committing cannibalism. Of course, when they're discovered by the frog scientist, it turns out they're only 20 feet from the shore, which leads Mulder to his realization: The monster's diet is mostly the frogs from the cove where they are, and since they're dying, it's hunting people. As if to prove him right, the monster attacks the frog scientist and then Mulder, who shoots it to death and reveals it was an alligator. Mulder seems disappointed, so the episode ends with a hint to the audience that there actually was a real monster.

Quagmire is a bit of an oddity, in terms of structure and content. Its one of the rare X-Files with a mundane explanation for its going on, and with the confrontation with the monster being secondary to the third act. Its not quite the shift of tone and style that defined Darin Morgan's most famous episodes (he didn't write this one, but he did come in late in the game to punch up the dialogue) but it does just enough to make it stand out among other similar episodes.

Almost as embarrassing as it reading "Died making fake monster footprints."

As has been pointed out by everyone who has seen this episode, and their various pets, the best part of this episode is the sequence where Mulder and Scully crash their boat on a rock and spend the entire time having a lengthy conversation about their relationship and each other. I've said in the past that the thing that distinguishes Darin Morgan, even more than his funny dialogue and plot construction, is his understanding of character, especially Mulder and Scully, and this shines through in this scene. Its one of the best, and funniest, examinations of these two characters in the entire series, not only their strengths, but their various weaknesses, and why they do the things they do. I had to physically restrain myself from the Case Notes below turning into a series of quotes from the conversation.

Outside of that conversation, the episode is conventionally plotted but well executed. The base concept and structure owe a lot to Jaws, but that's not a complaint, I like Jaws and we haven't seen a good Jaws knockoff in a while. The episode keeps the pace up by going through the secondary characters like a hot knife through butter on route to the finale, and makes the stakes feel real by killing off a recurring character with Queequeg. Yes, we ultimately know Mulder and Scully are always safe, but the good episodes manage to guide the audience into pretending otherwise.

If the episode has a failing its that its so laser focused on Mulder and Scully, it kind of forgets to spend time with its side characters. Oh there are some solid moments, such as the store owner faking the monster's footprints to build interest in the monster, but for the most part, the secondary characters are just there and gone (one of whom literally only surfaces, says one line, and immediately dies) which is a shame because the episode is really good at giving us a good read on the characters, the town and how both have been shaped by the presence of the monster. I suppose a greater focus on the secondary characters would pull focus from Mulder and Scully, but I kind of feel like there's a better balance that could be struck. I am very fond of the frog scientist though.

"Welp, we're trapped here. Time to just sit here and complain."

Honestly, there's not a whole ton to say about this episode. It's a solid, albeit somewhat unremarkable, Monster of the Week episode, boosted by a great script. There's some nitpicking of the direction (I really like the low angle tracking shots for the monster, its a good hint at what the monster turns out to be) or pacing (once Mulder and Scully get off the rock the episode seems to realize how little time it has left and sprints for its conclusion) that I could do, but that's not what I'm here for. I'm here to say this is a really solid episode with a great script and move on to the next episode.

Case Notes:

• The opening conversation tries to make the scientist in favor of frogs seem like kind of a wacko, but the other guys seems like a massive dickbag, especially since he works for the National Forest Service . Seriously dude, frogs are important.
• Not much to say about the cold open death, but I really like the zoom in on the frog after the guy is dragged into the water.
• I like Mulder and Scully in the car a lot. It's very comfortable in dropping us in to the start of their investigation, as well as why Queequeg is there. Darin Morgan helped with the script in this episode, and his comfort with the characters shows.
• I love the cheesy billboards Mulder and Scully pass on the road. Great set dressing.
• He's kind of a jerk about it, but the scientist is right: Mulder and Scully do love to dance around their point.
• I actually like the scientist's rant, he's angry but about good issues. It reminds me of Darkness Falls, in a good way.
• This episode is good at building secondary characters fast, even if we don't spend much time with them, as well as fleshing out the town, showing how the local stories about the monster have shaped the community. I especially appreciate the guy going out to make fake monster footprints, it feels like something someone in that community would do.
• The half-body being found at the docks is pretty gross. I like it.
• Scully out in the woods with Queequeg makes me very happy.
• Heh, its the stoner kids from War of the Coprophages. Cute.
• The bit with the stoner kids friends getting caught is a solid sequence and I very much like the bit with his head floating up and then rotating to reveal it's severed. Its cliche, but it works well.
• The sheriff deciding to close the lake down after his own brush is a little on the cheap side, but it works.
• I'd make fun of Scully for conveniently dropping Queequeg's leash, but that's actually happened to me before so...
• I feel so much worse about Queequeg's death than any of the human characters. To quote Scully, poor Queequeg.
• Scully looks so very unhappy after Queequeg's death, I genuinely feel bad for her.
• Sidebar, but naming your dog after the harpoonist from Moby Dick is kind of dooming it from the start.
• I'm not clear on how an alligator was supposed to have sunk a good sized boat like that, but since they hint at an actual Big Blue in the stinger, maybe that was him?
• Mulder and Scully's banter on the boat and on the rock after the boat sinks is genuinely the highlight of the episode, just great dialogue and character work, supposedly originally 10 pages long. I'd quote highlights but I'd be here all day. Darin Morgan is unbeatable
• Mulder and Scully's rock being like 20 feet from the shore is again, kind of cute, but it really works.
• Mulder's House moment vis a vis Striker's Cove is good stuff, but the entire ending does feel like they realized how little time they had left and had to start wrapping stuff up.
• I might have contrived a way for Scully to shoot the monster, as vengeance for Queequeg, but you do you episode.
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